This is not a love story of a man and woman. This is a self-love story, this is a story to find myself within me. I am exploring my life each day with new meaning. Yes, my life is on the table of experiment. Most of the time my thoughts are about understanding how my life is moving towards something amazing. But it did not come in one day. It has to take round and round and repeat to understand the pattern. Then finally reach a point of the right track. To make it understandable for you I have to open up what I really came across. Sometime what I feel is, my wounds may not be a small thing for me but, now I know wounds are there to shine myself. I no longer feel to run away or hide them behind my heart. I have learned to let go of the boundaries.
From childhood I was always seeking attention from my parents and there was a miscommunication. What type of miscommunication? Miscommunication of expectation. Yes, they did not understand the format of my expectation and I was so little to understand theirs. They loved me and gave me everything they could give me. For them they were the best loving parents. You may think what else could be my expectation? Well, I never found my friends in them, I was never consoled by them whenever I needed. They took the term ‘parent’ too seriously in objective way. Better I call it as guardians to take care of the kid.
For me love is to stand beside and feel the feeling of the child you gave birth to. If parents fail to do it, most of the time the kids fail to console their parents when they are old. It works both ways after all. Whatever parents show to their children, the children learn it whole heartedly and apply the same method whole life towards the parents. One small example I can give: My parents always called my aunt with her name and I learned the same. When I was a kid, everyone enjoyed it. But surprisingly I could not change it when I have grown up. Still I call my aunt by her name just like a best friend and we speak the same way. We are best friends by all means. This is exactly what happens with emotions.
So I never got the attention I wanted and I kept searching for it in others. I kept searching for best friends in others and found that I have become others best friend because of the way I care, love and make them happy. But I left all alone in my mind. No one really ever thought that I am still that small child who needs kindness and the love of deep listening. They always found me happy, but they never knew that I am happy because I want to see them happy and did not want to upset them.
Then the adulthood came. I started finding that attention in boyfriends. Day by day I disconnected myself from me just to find that love and failed. Whoever I felt is kind, they turned-out to be the most hurtful. I encouraged the masculine energy within me in the meantime to protect my heart. Yes, it was really easy to increase the masculine energy to say myself ” I am totally fine, let’s see what next”. Each time getting hurt by someone broke my feminine energy. Being in feminine energy I only felt so weak. Masculine energy was the key to make me stand up again and walk straight.
One best thing happened with the use of masculine energy is I got all the strength to work hard, get the job done and be so-called successful. But I reached to the point where I just felt loneliness and indescribable pain. Each time I got the lesson which I could not understand. My soul was dying because of my stupidity. Then there was a moment when the death fear ran behind me. That fear was behind me for more than 17 months. Yes, that fear was horrible. In a day many time I felt I will die and I was so afraid that I even shared it with my parents. Initially they told me not to say stupid things, then I told them that I am afraid of this thought and they have to listen to me. It continued, I moved to Czech Republic and life as well continued.After moving to Czech Republic I wasn’t happy because of many personal reason and different expectations.
Then that beautiful day came when the man entered in my life to heal me. No, he didn’t do anything. He was just kind enough towards me. He had a walk with me. I laughed with him like never before. I was the one who spoke more and he was the one who asked me questions about the very little things. I just enjoyed the moment. Came home and then the magic started happening. I could not stop thinking of him and it was not a crush or anything else. It was the irresistible feelings of his presence. Then I started to awake and my whole life pattern changed. I think I will never get tired of telling the story of my awakening process. It has been so beautiful and still I am enjoying the process.
I have changed my thought process, became kind towards me, started loving myself, exploring new meaning each day. Also I must mention that it was not only one meeting with him, I was blessed that I got to meet him multiple times and sensed the vibration of his presence. Each time his presence have been the medicine to heal myself. And then I started understanding the peace within me. I started getting all the pictures of my life and all the experiences which I counted as pain. Now I know every single moment was preparing me to find myself and when finally I found myself I realised the love is me and my feminine energy from which I ran away for so long. It was the re-connection with the being.
What this man unknowingly did is: watered the flower plant which was dying without care. He is so kind and gentle that all my pain healed. I found my feminine energy within me. I can explain how it feels. A simple example: When it’s a dry summer day and you are outside of the home, forgot to bring the water bottle and you do not see any place to get some water. To have some water you walked some more time with the hope of getting water and finally realised you need to go back to home to get the water. You get home finally and have a full bottle of water. Now you know how it feels like.
My experience was the same, I walked so far and became so thirsty that I had to walk back home, the home within to find myself. The man became the water for me to get my life back. If you know or want to know how feminine energy feels like, love yourself. It doesn’t depend on gender. Feminine and Masculine energy is not gender specific. Each gender have the both. You just need to balance it. Once you feel it you will feel the happiness within. You will be happy like never before. Everything will feel beautiful.
I have believed in the Universe and now I know how surprisingly a person could be blessing for me. Many people got the opportunity to be a blessing for me and many failed to be. I am happy about that as well because I am sure somehow I was the blessing for all of them and they were the path for me to reach to my home.