The lead of my life I mean. My choices and expectations have been simple but complicated. When we start growing up and slowly move through our teenage, we build our personality. It depends on our social, personal circumstances.That period can build a really independent person or very much dependent person. In a way it’s destined who would play what role.
My case is little more complicated I feel. Whenever I wanted to depend on my parents, they withdraw their support and let me do my work on my own during the early stage off teenage. And then when I started learning how to do everything on my own, the scenario became reverse. I was supposed to take permission for everything and had to give all explanations about my actions. That was difficult for me to understand what is going on in my life, what to hide and what to tell which would not hurt me in back. I was confused and had one question: If I was supposed to take permission for everything then why I was abandoned when I asked for their help? I was being treated as I could do anything and then I am not allowed to do anything. That could be a nightmare for anyone including me.
Most probably their first intention was to make me independent and then suddenly they remembered I am growing up and I am an Indian girl, so the actions I was taking didn’t actually match with a good girls behavior based on society. My choices of people, my way of behavior all were wrong. I struggled to put myself in a stable position in my family and social life where I would be accepted their way.
I was only successful to do it for three years as they wanted to see me and I think during that time I imprisoned myself on others hand and finally it became suffocating for me. I broke the boundaries and choose to be at the other end of the Earth, alone to breathe finally. I refused to be with them where I was unable to understand myself.
So I reclaimed my lead in my life. But that wasn’t a smooth journey, I did struggle for another seven years. Out of that seven years, first five-years the permission section was still applicable for me, I just learned to hold my own values and asked for things which could be permitted definitely. Next three years, I was working to make a strong ground to go out of the permission section permanently.
Finally that happened with moving out of the country. That much I had to pay to take over my lead totally. Now what? What is it I am writing about?
Now it feels I actually learned things correctly independently. If I have decided to keep myself prisoned for whole life, I wouldn’t have any standard value which could be called as mine, I wouldn’t have any vision to stand for myself. I wouldn’t have been my lead after all.
The worst thing we could do to ourselves is when we think someone would come and understand us just the way we are and take the lead to care for us. We must know and claim ourselves as our own responsibility. It would remove the chance to become a burden for others. And those who count themselves as a controlling authority, just following the social norms which never takes them anywhere. They are the weakest people on the Earth who thinks to be able to control someone else is to show they are strong enough to follow what the society is showing generation by generation. They feel satisfied to do the same which was done with them by their social mentors.
I chose to be different and I feel that is how I became my own lead. Responsibility is totally mine. If I am falling down I am responsible for that and if I am shining bright, the pride is mine. I don’t play the victim anymore. I would always respect myself and be proud to be the way I am.