In-authenticity is a reality. We are inauthentic by choice because ‘inauthentic us’ has been accepted, validated by others. But question is why we become inauthentic, what is the problem being authentic?
I am here again with my own story of in-authenticity. Nowadays I am finding myself anxious without any valid reason. Whenever I get the attack it takes quite some time for me to calm down. But making myself calm is not the solution, I was looking for the core reason of this attack. What I found is the fear of invalidation for the actions I am taking. It is not a new thing in my life but unfortunately now I am not leading a life which needs validation. I already escaped from the invalidation phase. But all of a sudden I am able to access all my insecurities, fears.
The inauthentic me is not a personality trait, it is more of inauthentic emotions. From childhood I have never got validation for any of my emotions, thoughts, view points. Whatever I tried to express it has been invalidated. As if I was getting trained to learn whatever I feel or express is totally incorrect. My curiosities were suppressed by shame. When I used the term ‘Love’ for the first time, I was treated as if the term ‘Love’ was infectious. Then I was at the age of 5-6, even if I did not understand what ‘Love’ really means, I understood that I am not supposed to take the term out of my mouth. The term ‘Love’ got a very little acceptance as it was determined as the term ‘affair’. Now I don’t know who was the child that time, me or my mother! I even don’t understand what made her think that I understood the term ‘Love’ as affair.
Basically I was always marked as an adult who already understood the meaning of everything and also understood the how the society works. So basically I was being corrected for every single action or emotion I tried to express. While growing adult I often found myself as a wrong person and I often said to myself I am bad always no matter what. Because I never understood how I was always wrong, but accepted as wrong just because I was said so. I always wanted to escape as I always felt it was a wrong prison for me. Or I always tried to be better and right. But it wasn’t possible at home, I had to remove myself from the home and I am blessed. Everything fall into the right track, my life became easier not suffocating anymore.
When we are teenager our mind do not dig into deep emotions, most of the time it accepts thing by saying ‘may be it is like as it is’. It takes time to learn that area. So did I. Now when I know about my deep emotion and assume the reasons for it, I visit my childhood again and again. And guess what, all answers are there. My subconscious mind still feels the fear of invalidation, unacceptance. Even though I am not in those old circumstances, I am struggling to rewrite my current situation in my subconscious. The validation I needed, I am still searching. I became inauthentic as I am afraid of sharing my true emotions to people in person. Because I stop myself to do so by thinking what if I will be rejected again, what if I will be shamed again.
Writing this down to know how much I have figured out of my inner wires, to know how do I work, to find out if anyone has any suggestion. One suggestion I have given to myself is: to be authentic if I need to abandon everything and everyone, I would do that favor to me. Just because I am not being accepted with my authentic form, I would not continue to be inauthentic. My closed heart, afraid heart should open now. This is the right time.