I am getting those triggers to pull away. Pull away from stability, pull away from the fear of losing once more. This is the biggest fear I have at this stage of my life. In one relationship I have invested so much that it took away all my beliefs on relationships. All type of relationships (romantic, friendship, even family sometime). My subconscious is not ready to give a chance to itself to get hurt once more. But, honestly it gets hurt more frequently. Difference is it never wants to invest a long time on anything to get hurt deeply.
I have always been in short term relationships after the long term narcissistic relationship (I wasn’t aware of the term until 2018). A very big challenge I have committed within myself. That narcissistic relationship started in 2006 and my subconscious lost all beliefs within three years. I was brave enough to break the relationship thinking that I would start again with someone right. Someone who would hold me tight and bring the broken beliefs together. That has never happened.
With time I have realized I have many patterns and I have broken those consciously. I thought I am done with braking the patters and now I can start. It looks like the real big pattern I found this morning. Last night I wrote another short article when I didn’t have the wisdom I have now. I now know the main pattern is putting all efforts very quickly and when in return I am not receiving the results I expected I immediately pull away. Luckily I have got another life to depend on, my stable professional life.
But, long back in 2018 I have realized the professional life is not the solution to fix my personal relationships. My first relationship was super quick to build, I am still following the same. In my first relationship I have learned how to hold someone hard to be in my life because he always showed he has lot of options and always behaved as if he is pulling away. That helped him to keep my attention on him. I was stupid enough and young enough not to understand that game. Nobody really understood what was happening with my subconscious. It was reshaping from a beautiful pattern of high self esteem to a broken one.
That training was so deep that till date I didn’t even realize how I was always allowing that lesson to build my personal relationships. Alas! I thought any relationship could be build quickly enough and everything will be fine. But, when it really didn’t I pulled away from one person to another wandering that people are insensitive. That ‘running’ ended after 10 years (2009 November-2019 November). I mean today really. In 2018 I stopped going to anyone I liked. It worked well, I didn’t feel so bad when they were removed from my life because I didn’t invest any energy other than just liking their beautiful faces. So I thought I am ready now. Let’s find the one.
But, when yesterday even I realized my subconscious is giving me all the negative alerts and I am getting ready to pull away my lesson came. Someone else doesn’t need to hold me hard, I need to hold myself here. Fight all the fears and deal with the reality that any good relationship takes good amount time to build. Why would anyone build a relationship so quickly with the person they barely know. I know myself but that knowing doesn’t transfer to their mind over night. It needs time. I need to time to get the lesson and fight the demons within me. Without taking this lesson nothing is going to work. Pulling away can only let me pull away and run for rest of my life. If I stop today I am saving myself from the endless run.