Not everyone blames others for being manic, I blame myself for being manic and not having control over it..

I am depressed and anxious and my mind is out of my control. May be it would be the right choice to visit a therapist. Although I have been convinced earlier that I can help myself. But, now it seems I am out of my own control. With months of practice I did manage to handle myself well in the year of 2018-19. Then I thought I am OK to move towards something new in my personal life. A relationship. My weakest point is being in a relationship. It always brings out the hell out of me.

Recently I have read about Attachment Theory and it seems I am the type Anxious – preoccupied. I kept thinking what all matches from my childhood as this type mostly constructed in my childhood. And I found that I was always afraid of abandonment. I was always expected to be something I am not or something that I could never do. Criticism was the part of my life for a long time, even in my adulthood. Now I mark those as verbal abuse. Those made me a type of person I would never create. The work was done before I had any control over my decision or my mental health construction.

After I started working, I found myself independent and I choose to push away all of those who criticised me. That was the way for me to be happy. Now I am in another trouble. Now I am understanding that our childhood actually shapes our relationship attachment style. I am probably the most confident person in my professional area, in my friend circle and in random conversation with stranger. But, when it comes to a romantic relationship I am the most insecure person. Big problem is to trust someone who will be really very close to me. I fear abandonment.

This is not just it, I am also learning that apart from the fear of abandonment I also copy the same pattern of attachment. When I am in a relationship I put all the attention to the person. I give my power away totally and I almost forget my existence. Just the way in childhood I did for my parents. It mattered the most that I pay attention whenever my parents are nearby. My fear was what they are going to do with me and my privacy. My privacy was in danger as they were more interested in finding out if I am up to something, liking someone romantically or writing letters or making bad friends. While growing up, they took away all my attention towards them.

I had to look after their actions around me. I was always afraid that I am going to be bitten if I did anything wrong. I feared the punishment and tired of trying to meet their expectation. I don’t think anything about me they have accepted including any little natural changes in my adulthood and they were never there to listen to me and my emotions. I don’t remember a single time when someone sat beside me and asked how I do I feel. May be my feelings were never a thing to anyone or may be I thought there is no point to express it to them until I am being asked.

I learned the worst behavior from them and now it acts on me reverse. Now I have their characteristics as well as mine. At one side I fear if I will be abandoned, criticised by showing my emotions and on the other hand I become the most controlling partner just the way my parents did to me. If there was one small doubt and it turned out to be true, I become just the way my parents were with me. I lose myself in between playing their role and being true to myself. I go out of control and I know I hurt people.

I would cry like a baby immediately after my partner would finally get angry on me with my annoying behaviour. Almost all the time I would get stuck like a stuck old tape recorder and blame him just like I was blamed in the childhood. It feels helpless. How long would a person tolerate me like this and I am just unable to put my attention somewhere else as if I want to destroy everything and then pretend that everyone leaves me. The fact is I make everyone leave me. And repeat.

This is the most helpless realisation of my life. Previously I did it without knowing anything about how my subconscious is coded. Now I am learning things which is keeping me speechless. How would I get over it? How would I make things work? How long would I keep saying sorry after doing the wrongs? When I will get rid of shaming myself? When would I get back to a safe zone where I will never fear of abandonment?

Mental health is important. But, how to have a healthy mental health while walking through different stages in life? Just because of this characteristics, my life has stopped at one stage. And it seems I am really a slow learner that it took me so long to find out the symptoms of the issue and the root cause. Would I be ever accepted just the way I am? Would I be given a chance to format my unhealthy attachment type to a healthier one?

As you see I have a lot of questions. As a reader do you think a therapist could really help to cure this issue?

If you are also here because you know someone like me or you are one, let me know in the comment what action you are taking to get help.

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